I had planned to spend the evening perfecting my lemon chicken, however time flew - partly due to a spur of the moment date with my vibrator - and I ended up ordering in a pizza.
Before you all condemn me to eternal fastfood hell; it was a goumet pizza and I had it with bubbles while listening to the Brandenburger concertos (Berliner Philharmoniker and HvK).
So why this celebration on a Sunday night?
Sigh, if only it was a celebration. I have a dental appointment tomorrow morning and will spend the next days on fluids.
So I thought it might take my mind of tomorrow and, well, other things. My trusted vibrator didn’t quite scratch that itch…
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“i have not found an easy road, i have not seen a true path or single destination”
Cat wrote these words a while ago as part of a personal ‘declaration’. It is something I discussed with her shortly after we met. Sometimes it seems a very long time ago. But I chose to quote these words here, because they carry a deeper and more general truth.
When we embark on a journey into D/s, our early explorations, we generally have no idea where we are going. It is a leap into the dark, there may be obstacles to overcome, many confusing and different directions to explore.
But it is the nature of man to seek objectives, and on this journey too, many people soon start looking for a destination. Especially once they learn how other people live, see examples of how it might be. And soon they face the all too common human desire to define themselves by ‘society’s’ standards, to let ‘society’ know what they are. And the ultimate desire to ‘succeed’ in the eyes of others.
And suddenly we might see people as if competing to be the most submissive, or the most Dominant, describing how far they will go, how much pain they can dispense or take. People feeling like failures because they cannot ‘take it’, or don’t like to dispense it. People wanting to call themselves slaves and Master as if it is the ultimate prize. And the 24/7 TPE relationship described as the ultimate achievement, the only true goal to strive for. People looking for a gold medal to win.
But there isn’t one.
I argue time and again that we should bear in mind that D/s is not for everyone. This is even more true for these kind of 24/7 relationships. Let’s not kid ourselves, you cannot become what you are not naturally destined to be and be happy in the long run. And there is nothing wrong with that. If your submission does not extend beyond the bedroom, or if as a Dom you have no desire to rule on your sub’s underwear every day, that doesn’t make your relationship less valuable. If between you, you have no desire to progress to a 24/7 TPE type of dynamic, that does not make what you do any less valid or beautiful. It makes it different. Just like every human being is different, just like every relationship is different, vanilla or D/s.
We should bear in mind that we each carry our own past, background, experiences and outlook on life with us. These dictate our desires and wishes and how we ultimately experience our journey. How could that possibly be the same for everyone? Should we want it to be? Why would we expect everyone to enjoy the same things in D/s, share the same kinks, when we cannot even agree on the best flavour of ice cream.
And since these relationships should be based always on truth, honesty, openness, why not start by being true to ourselves and honest about our journey. ‘Faking it’ is not only pointless, it is also potentially dangerous.
This is not a race with a single finish line. This is not a single path heading in a single direction. And if we are too busy trying for the finish line we may lose sight of the adventure we are in the middle of. We may forget to enjoy the unique experience we are creating for ourselves, while striving to emulate another person’s journey or live up to some imagined expectations.
As for the 24/7 TPE, or M/s kind of relationship… it should be based on deeply felt need, not on a need to compete or misguided sense of achievement. It should based on natural progression and dynamics, not on a desire to outdo others or achieve some mythical goal.
These relationships that some see as the ultimate goal are in the end nothing more than one possible path on a journey, and a journey that is completely different for each and everyone of us.
If we are lucky we find a companion on our journey who finds their happiness on the same path. And if we are truly lucky we succeed in enjoying every single step and stumble on our journey without looking for the finish line. Much like life itself, this journey is best enjoyed while we travel, not when we reach the end.
words: M. / Her Liege
photograph: Stuck in customs
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